In February of 2005, conservative blowhard Stephen Colbert insinuated that he may have killed at least one panda. I have sent CBS Corporation (the company that owns Viacom, which airs Mr. Colbert's program) the following letter:
51 West 52nd Street
New York, NY 10019
Dear Sir or Madam:
Stephen Colbert, host of The Colbert Report, may have killed a panda. If this is true, it is clear that Mr. Colbert is in direct violation of Article 7 United States Code, Sections 2131-2159 which probably states, "[P]eople aren't allowed to kill pandas." I urge you to take whatever disciplinary steps I deem necessary, including but not limited to, removing Mr. Colbert from your programming.
Although I sent this letter over TWO HOURS ago, neither CBS, Viacom, or Mr. Colbert have responded. What are they trying to hide? Perhaps their silence on the issue stems from the possibility that Stephen Colbert really DID kill a panda. Although I don't have any actual evidence, I dare you to find evidence that he DIDN'T kill a panda. Consider this: Mr. Colbert hails from the red state of North Carolina. According to the North Carolina Zoo's website,
they do not have a panda on display. I'm guessing that's because Mr. Colbert killed it. Stephen Colbert's irrational fear of bears must be stopped, especially when it comes to killing them. I mean, what are there, like 200 of those things left?